Ways to Reduce Your Child’s Stress (and Yours) During the Application Process

The university application process can be stressful for everyone involved. Here are some tips to help you navigate through this challenging season and help your student cross the finish line with minimal stress.

1. The college admissions process is more competitive than ever before. Be objective (and realistic) about your student’s chance of admission. If a university’s admission rate is under 20%, it is highly selective and will be a reach for any student. Trust your Ivy Options counselor to recommend a balanced list for your student. Aiming too far above a student’s abilities will likely end in frustration and disappointing results. Remember that the next four years are not the destination, but one step in the process of achieving your student’s career dreams. Where he/she attends university is important only with regard to how well the particular university fits your student’s individual personality and learning style and prepares him/her for the future. As clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour notes, “The period of their life where people will want to know where they went to college is actually very short. As you get older, it just doesn’t come up. That’s big news for teens, who assume that their entire adult life will be viewed through the lens of where they went to college”.

2. Shorten the list. Keep in mind that the more applications a student submits, the more supplemental essays he/she is likely to have to write. Submit a reasonable number of applications and refrain from adding on. Remember that it’s still critical that your student keep up with his/her academic responsibilities and finish high school well.

3. Be encouraging and supportive. A parent’s opinion is one of the most important when it comes to a teen’s feelings of accomplishment and self-worth. Students look to you for advice and confirmation that they are making the right decisions. Listen to your son/daughter, ask questions without judgment, and empower them to make decisions that are best for them.

4. Look at what is needed to submit your student’s applications. Be aware of university, high school, and testing requirements and deadlines. If your student isn’t a great organizer, help him/her establish a calendar of due dates and focus on what you can control, not on things you can’t. Where possible, help your student manage some of the details like registering for tests, scheduling college visits, and joining mailing lists. Provide gentle reminders when deadlines are approaching and help your student to gather the documents he/she will need for applications.

5. Know the facts. Understand what terms like “test optional” really mean at your student’s intended universities. Your Ivy Options counselor can guide him/her in whether to submit a test score to a particular college or not.

6. Stress can cause students to be moody and irritable. Parents, don’t take it personally. Your child may be busy and not have much time for conversation. Support your students by providing their favorite meals, adequate opportunities for rest and exercise, and quiet spaces to work, write and study…and a listening ear when they do want to talk.

7. Accept that this is a stressful season…and remind your student (and yourself) that you will both get through it. Keep in mind that you can survive on less sleep or fewer “fun” activities for a time. Set goals for work and plan time off to rest and re-group.

8. Parents, help create margin in your students’ schedules by taking unnecessary responsibilities off their shoulders until applications are completed - things like household chores or requirements to visit with relatives or family friends could be deferred for a while.

9. Students need time to rest and regroup. Encourage your student to take time out for a fun stress relieving distraction from time to time - just be sure it doesn’t cause them to fall behind on the things they need to do. And encourage them to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.

10. Be sympathetic to your student - listen, commiserate, talk with her/him about how they are coping with the application process and share your own experiences; let them know that you have confidence in them, that they will get through this and receive a good offer. Let your student know that you are proud of the hard work that he/she is undertaking. (Keep in mind that boys often handle stress differently than girls and may benefit most from Dad’s or another male role model’s insight).

11. Discuss family finances up front. Be transparent and realistic about your university tuition budget to make sure your student’s list is affordable. If there are limitations or a need for scholarships, loans, or work-study, make sure your teen is aware. Depending on your child’s citizenship, some university country systems may be more affordable than others.

12. Teach new skills. If your student hasn’t had the opportunity to learn skills like writing important thank you notes, dressing for an interview, or knowing what questions to ask in an interview, take time to teach them. Ask them to let you (or their Ivy Options counselor) proofread their thank you emails before sending, offer advice about how to prepare for interviews and to dress for success. If you need help, have your student get in touch with his/her Ivy Options counselor for advice.

13. Parents, avoid the temptation to discuss the college process with your teen every waking moment. This will only frustrate them. Don’t forget all your teen’s other interests - keep conversation flowing about those topics as well.

14. If you aren’t able to visit universities in person, help your student research universities through virtual visits. This will give you both greater insight into the schools’ offerings, philosophy, and culture. Be open-minded to college options that you might not have considered in the past and make decisions based on up-to-date information. College requirements and applications have changed drastically over the past 20 years and even more in the last three!

1. If your student doesn’t get the response they hoped for, manage your own disappointment and anxiety; don’t be more disappointed than they are. Be supportive and encouraging; reassure them that they will find a university where they will thrive and that the college they will attend will provide many exciting opportunities.

2. If your student needs guidance and support in a specific area, consider engaging a career counselor, tutor, or university admissions advisor. The counselors at Ivy Options have in-depth knowledge of the complicated college admissions process and know how to guide families through it. If stress is getting unmanageable, consider outside resources such as professional mental health practitioners.

3. Remain positive and don’t compare your student’s journey with others. Each student is unique and a good choice for one may be a poor choice for another.